About my life

Well, after a long while I write on my blog again. Just likeold times, I had no place to put my thoughts and tell my story to anyone. It feels like I want to scream out loud and end up my miserable life. It's like a heavy burden that I have to carry on in my entire life. The way I used to live on solitary life, I really hate it. I envy peoples who have beautiful life on their job, their social life and their relationships. Why can't I be like them? What's wrong with me? Am I an alien or something? Almost in my entire life spent in solitary, ever since my early childhood.

Really I want to have a beautiful life, I want to have nice peoples and environment around me, I want to have a good relationship. When would it be? Every time I tried everything seems to be unfit, why? My job treated me like a slave in hellish office with crazy workloads, and not to mention a small amount of salary which I received at the end of the month. Each time I'm interested with a girl they seem just like want to run away from me, what's wrong with me? Do I look like a frankenstein or does my behavior causes bad impression on you girls huh?

Everytime I asked to God to lend me His strength to fix my life but I can barely see the result. I don't know where else do I have to seek for help. Why do I have to live in solitary life? I really really hate it so much. I tried to be kind to peoples around me, but all I can feel is nothing but pain inside. Why? What I am?

I feel like an insignificant asshole of this century, fuck it. Why? Is this my karma for my sins in the past? What about repentance? Second chances? Any? Where? None?

I've read few articles that stated happiness decided by our own, yes I declared several times in my life but in no time they were struck by waves problems and bad things. Am I not deserve to be happy? Was I born in this world to suffer in my solitary life? Why can't I have good friends like others? Though I've tried very hard and treat other people nicely. Why? FUCK!

Should I end up my life to relieve this suffering? A quick death will end everything. God why are you so cruel to me? Why? You're The One, The Benefactor, The Gracious, The Compassionate, are those name truly represent your power? You even let this good-for-nothing asshole suffering time to time?! Why? Why can't I be joyous and having a beatiful life like others? Why? Am I not good enough? I've pleaded to you many times to help me preventing to do sins again, but yet you just let me doing sins over and over again. Why? Why you created egoistic, weak, good-for-nothing asshole like me??? If I just only to suffer time to time and having peoples who barely can accept me? And keeping me in solitary life? Why? FUCK!

Why?

To where else do I have to go? You let me suffered long enough, and I can only see others laughing with each other from a distance... I even had no relationships with anyone, not even a single girl could even match up with me...

What should I do? I did prayers, in my sleep, when I was happy or sad I always call your name, but did you ever hear and accept it? Does my filthy mouth not deserved to say your names? Am I just to sinful even to remember you?

Perhaps I'll just be a bad boy again, God deosn't hear my voices, He's just watching me and do nothing with my life, Perhaps He's waiting how long I can stand his mighty torture. I don't know how many times I begged Him and do good deeds the best I can do. Perhaps those meant nothing to Him.

As until now I can barely sleep, my heart, my mind, my body feels so tired but they are all tormented by this pathetic life I had.

God helped those miserable fuckers more than He did to me. He even gave them good life and all. Why not on me?

God, you are the The King, The Beginning and The End, The Almighty. But as of now I'm waving off good bye to you and the religion you made. Screw them all they're not working on me, those prayers and all they all just a bunch of lies to me. I don't care anymore. I'll do anything as long as I'm happy. Fuck everything, screw them all.

Dear God, thank you for prolonging my miserable life and taking away happines around me. As for now I'll do bad things and sins thank you very much.